Women on the Spectrum RAWRing for Quality of Life

Archive for the tag “Abuse”

Getting Strong and Healing Abuse

The deeper my spiritual and metaphysical work goes–and it does go deep, Friends–the more I realize my neurological differences are strengths rather than weaknesses in light of my Mission. Don’t be freaking out on me, I’m not here to convert sinners or convince you to repent or teach you to be intolerant of others because there is only one way to live and breathe and believe. Far from it. I’m here to show each of us how truly powerful we are–how vast, how skilled, how fragile and dependent on one another.

When I say Mission (capital M) I am referencing all of time and space, all of my existence (and yours) Elsewhere, and acknowledging that there is a very important reason I stepped into a meat suit on this planet in this timeline. It wasn’t random chance that I am here, that you are here with me, and that we are in communication.

There is an ordered purpose–what you choose to call it, how you choose to name it or understand it, it totally up to you.

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The Mission I took on for myself in this body, the Thing I AM Meant To Do/Learn/Accomplish, is generally elusive and unknown. It isn’t like I know what it is so now I can Lord it over everyone while I make up stories about how I should be Emperor of the Shrimps or Maker of All Laws. That kind of shizz isn’t about Mission anyway, that’s usually self-important garbage made up in the ego-based mind–all about power and control over others. Not at all what Mission is about.

Mission is about the greatest possible good, in the highest possible way for ALL beings across the illusion of time and space–not just a handful, not just a species, and not just a single planet.

Part of my metaphysical work has been recognizing how very different I am from others, in part due to my autism–my neurological differences and systemic sensitivities to sensory inputs, difficulty working the flesh mechanisms, and physical limitations in the meat suit. I discovered something many of you might resonate with, still others will say it is complete bullsheet. Whatever. My family regularly calls me crazy–and not in the good way–it really is none of my business what judgments anyone wants to pass on me. At this time, when we are closed in, and looking within, and many are feeling lost, abandoned, hopeless, and abused, I know I need to offer a little comfort, and a tiny light up ahead to help them find their bearings in a time of despair. (Yes, the light up ahead is NOT an oncoming train…keep going.)

What I have learned about my physical aspect, my body, is that it is wired up differently for the spiritual and metaphysical work that I have agreed to take on for the planet at this time. I am a healer. I am broadcaster of energy. I am, physically, an antennae. (No, I do not wear a freaking tinfoil hat, and I don’t suggest you do either). Everything is energy. Everything is in vibration. Those of us on the spectrum are likely to be able to FEEL that on some level–and the others who cannot feel it, who are not bombarded with it on a regular basis, they think WE are the ones that have something wrong with us.

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Because I have deep, powerful energetic work to do on this planet I am more connected to my other aspects in other bodies and realities across the dimensions of the Universe (Multiverse). That’s a crazy fucking statement on the surface, but it is a more authentic statement about the physics of reality than that I be cray. The result is, that it is and has always been difficult for me to root well in the present and in my physical body. And a lot of my most autistic struggles have come from not being fully in command of this body, my ‘car’ in this lifetime.

I am physically constructed to broadcast healing energy without burning my own cells (and to be clear, the use of I does not mean ONLY me, but references all my brothers and sisters on the spectrum, ADHD, etc.). Before I knew how to use my metaphysical skills, it was very hard to ride in the driver’s seat of this body. Think of it this way, you get one car for your lifetime, but your Mission is to be a Formula 1 racer. Of course you can’t handle the turns and the tires and noise at first, especially if you don’t have anyone to teach you how to and when to accelerate, when to pit, and how to steer.

After so many uncomfortable experiences when trying to be present in my body, I developed a love-hate relationship with it. I could tolerate it to the point that it obeyed me, and for the times it didn’t, I treated it very much like I was treated myself: abandonment, punishment, ostracism, bullying…(I could go on, but you all know what I’m talking about.). I played out the same scenarios on my flesh that others played out on me–I learned from the best of them.

My life, post-diagnosis, has been all about making peace with my whole self, so that I can get about my authentic work. I can talk more about that journey, if you want. I do want to share, but don’t want to talk to myself about this stuff anymore.

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Being present in the body, has made it more sensitive, but also more resilient. I have learned to be more kind and forgiving of my physical limitations, so that I could metaphysically bloom and get out of my own way spiritually. I have learned that my autism allows others to see and recognize their own greatest wounds they carry with them. Often, my presence makes this SO palpable, they think *I* am bringing their most potent wounds into the room, and I get accused of being what I am not, or having intentions that never even crossed my mind as a possibility. I often get confronted for being the monster they have inside.

Metaphysically, this is a deep and true skill of the shaman, the witch, the priest or priestess: to be able to hold a mirror of the greatest wounds and fears up to those who most need to HEAL, release, confront, and change in order to move forward and grow. We should not be afraid of this inherent gift, but it is easily misunderstood and taken as a flaw by the autistic and the observer alike.

Today, I am here to tell you, with deep conviction, that you are NOT the monster they see in you. Recognize that what they accuse you of, are their own wounds, their own fears, their own weaknesses. When these accusations are leveled at you, and you find yourself confused, wondering (as I have so many times), “what just happened? What the fuck did I do? Did I say something?” remember that it likely is not about you at all.

In order to do this, you need to know yourself–your authentic and most true self–better than anyone. You need to love that authentic self deeply, madly, and embrace all of your strengths and weaknesses. (Sometimes it IS about you, and discerning the difference between something you need to hear and heal for YOU in the moment is a skill that develops over time with a LOT of work.) Still, let me share a little of what I know about the energy that moves through and within each of us, and how words and actions can set that energy like a dart aimed at our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual beings.

Friends, you always, ALWAYS, have a choice when someone hurls energy at you like a weapon. Nothing is allowed in your energy field unless you grant it permission. In your body, in your field, your will is sacred. You have the options to let someone’s energetic weapons drop to ground before they ever reach you, or to take it into yourself as a truth–letting the dart wedge itself in your being.

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Someone once told me of an image, and said it was a technique practiced by Nelson Mandela while he was imprisoned and disparaged by the powers that be. He pictured himself surrounded in bubble, like a forcefield. (My training and experience says to put this bubble at three feet–or a yard, or a meter–from your physical self on all sides. Do not forget your feet, and be sure to expand three feet into the ground beneath you.) When the guards would taunt Mandela, when they would engage in micro and macro aggressions, he would imagine their attempt to wound him as never even reaching his bubble. These darts would drop down to the ground, never reaching their mark.

This is how you rise above abuse.

It does not prevent abuse, that is up the abuser.

However, YOU are the one in control of whether that abuser has the power to reach YOU, or whether their attempts fall lamely to the ground without ever finding a mark.

How you ask? simple.

You have to see the accusations as false, as a reflection of what is most bothering the other person about THEMSELVES.

This is why you must cultivate a close, personal and honest relationship with your authentic and sovereign self. There will be times when their reflections are to help you improve, change, and heal yourself as well. This does not mean that you ever have to accept the energetic darts, the accusing words or stares or palpable, misdirected anger. It does mean that you need to also heal and work on yourself on your own terms–never on someone else’s.

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I see these reflections and accusations as dark vines of twining ivy, that I can let grow up my branches, trunk and into my roots. Or I can refuse to accept them, and gift them back to the accuser with love and forgiveness, that they may fully heal what pains them so deeply. These wounds do not belong to me. I have no power to heal them myself. I can only help the victim of their raw pain become aware of their own deep need and desire to heal.

It is a sacred Mission.

A sacrifice I make for others.

Yet, I do not need to take their pain on in order to help them, and when I do so, I am actually delaying their own ability to heal.

I wish you all healing, my brothers and sisters. I wish you the strength to deny your abusers so that THEY may be healed without hurting others. And I wish you the joy and companionship of finding your most true and authentic selves. Namaste, my bitches…

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